Instead, it would boil within me as I felt my father’s unwanted influence, which I had to counter. While I was turned off in great part by the poor example my own father set with his rage and loss of temper, nonetheless, his negative example came back to haunt me. I also knew the Lord was always willing to help me as I asked for His help with my irritation, presumption, preoccupation, sense of self-importance, anger, and defeats. I knew I had an audience of One to please and the kids were really secondary. I would try to remind myself that the Lord was present in my parenting and that He stood, so to speak, just beyond the shoulders of my children. I would start again, and again, and again - trying to be more like Christ. Later, often with Sarah’s urging, I would confess my sin to Him and apologize to my kids. Instead of trying to imitate His unconditional love for me, I would be angry before I even thought of the Lord. There was a huge disconnect between my parenting and Christ. As I reflect on the years when our children were younger, I realize how often I did not even think of Jesus during a flare-up with the kids. I had to learn (more accurately, I am still learning) to love my children unconditionally it does not come automatically. This is not about what they are failing to be it is about what God is calling us to be.įrom personal experience and from dealing with thousands of spouses and parents, I know loving unconditionally is impossible to do perfectly. Unconditional love, then, means we give our children the gift of a loving and respectful demeanor when they do not deserve it. We confront their failure to obey, and we discipline them by correcting their disrespectful attitude with a loving attitude. In the same way, as parents, loving and respecting our kids unconditionally does not mean we remove all requirements and permissively give them license to do whatever. This is why He disciplines us (Hebrews 12:5–11). However, though He loves us no matter what we do wrong, what we do wrong still matters to Him. There is nothing we can do to get Him to loathe or despise us after we sin - nothing (Romans 8:1–2). We tell others, in various ways, they made us react the way we did.Īs parents we look to Jesus for motivation to love as He loves us - unconditionally. If we refuse to obey this command, we end up rationalizing (telling ourselves “rational lies”) and believing others have caused us to be harsh and rude. To love unconditionally, we obey God’s command to put on love or respect despite the circumstances (Romans 12:10 1 Peter 2:17). So where does that leave us with trying to love them unconditionally? Sadly, they make their case against us, as we did against them. As adults, our children can blame us for all their problems. But all this irresponsibility on our part lasts only so long.Įventually, the kids grow up, and the tables turn. It is simple enough to make them scapegoats for our display of anger or impatience. If we continue in this fashion, we will always love or respect our kids conditionally, depending on how they act. We cannot say, “I would unconditionally love my kids if they would just behave!” This is not about demanding that our kids be deserving of love and respect by being lovable and respectable. I choose to be harsh, independent of the circumstances.Īs one parent admitted to me: “We tend to be Christlike when the kids are behaving and harsh when they are disobedient.” Most of us can identify, but we know this is a long way from unconditional love in fact it is the precise opposite. In other words, if I am unloving or disrespectful, it is not because of certain circumstances caused by others that make me react unlovingly or disrespectfully. There is no condition that causes me to be unloving or disrespectful.
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